slight depression

i know this post will not be a great one, but i have to make it at some point and i might aswell do it now. and basically it's because i know that Tara should read it, and she will know what's going on.
I went to my regular doctor's appointment on Thursday with John just to check everything out with the baby, and my doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. Naturally, I start to panic, so he sent us to ultrasound and it was then that we found out that we lost the baby. They sent us to the hospital where we met my doctor and a gynocologist to decide what we would do. the baby is too far along to just pass it at home like you would with a regular miscarriage in the first three months. So i will be going into the hospital probably tomorrow to be induced and deliver my tiny little baby.
John and i are doing surprisingly well. we are trying to stay positive about this and remember that there was obviously something wrong with the baby, and it is better that this happens now, instead of a few months down the road or when the baby is born. I have my moments when all i do it sit here and cry. and I haven't left the house much since i found out, mainly because i don't really want to go into labour on my own, which could happen if my body rejects the baby before i'm in the hospital. we're both hoping that doesn't happen. i'd rather be put in the hospital with the right people there. i don't want an emergency room visit if it can be avoided.
but all in all, we are doing okay. we do plan to try again, but after we have both had time to deal with what happened and are truly ready for it. looking at it, i don't really know if we were ready for a baby in our lives. and i just try to keep thinking that God doesn't make mistakes. We weren't meant to have a child right now. and i think that's helping me to cope with everything.
I am trying not to blame myself, but at times when i am sad and upset, it seems that there is no one else to blame, but really, i know it's no one's fault. sometimes these things just happen.
I think we will both just feel better once the delivery is over and we can put some closure on the whole thing. I feel horrible for John becuase i know how much he was looking forward to having a child. but after a few months, hopefully we'll be able to try again and start our family on the right foot. it gives us some time to prepare more and be ready for it.
I'm off work probably for about 4 weeks. John will be going back after the baby is delivered. i just appreciate him so much right now for being here for me every day. I've barely left the house since Thursday. i think i've only left twice, and I never got out of the car. I just have to rebuild myself.
but that's basically what i wanted to say. and it actually feels good to get it all out. hopefully i'll be back on my feet soon and writing more. love you all!